Saturday, July 21, 2007

This is what happens when hubby's not home

I can't go to sleep. I'm up all night and even though I know I'll be exhausted and cranky in the morning I continue to stay up and do nothing really. So now that I am blogging I have been going back and reading posts from some of the blogs that I really love. And I came across this posting
I first saw Lena's writing on (BTW they recently published an article by yours truly check it out- click relationships on the left column and go to "talking is overrated") Anyway I really love her stuff and started reading her blog which is also alot of fun.

As I read her posting about the battle between her innner feminist and joy that comes with dedicating yourself to caring for you family I realized that she is at the place I was about 8 years ago. Fighting against my desire to "just stay home" with my babies and cook dinner for my man and generally be a domestic goddess. I too struggled with the voice that said I was too smart, too talented to stay home. As if staying home was not real work or didn't require intelligence (for the record- staying home with my kids was the most fulfilling and most difficult job of my life, still is!). But like Lena, I came to terms with that dichotomy. I realized that for me true feminism comes from having the ability to define my own terms of "having it all" But here I am now with one kid heading to middle school and another half way through elementary and I don't know what to do with myself. I finally have a little more time for me and I am struggling to figure out what to do. It's funny, you think once the kids get to school I'll get back to me but the truth is once you devote yourself to their dreams it's hard to figure out what your dreams are anymore. With the big 3-0 right around the corner I am seriously focused on reclaiming myself. I'm even contemplating a tattoo (more of that in another posting) There's a whole long explanation of what I want and all the "meaning" behind it all but the one thing that I'm drawn to lately is the idea of a bird (think small, delicate, sparrow- not big crazy vulture). I guess the bird speaks to this place I'm trying to get to. Birds nest, they spend all their time in the spring building a home for their little babies and then they spend all this time feeding and caring for them but somehow they also never forget how to fly on their own. For me it's the perfect symbol really- the wings are all about freedom and independence but the nature of the bird is pretty domestic at heart. I guess all of this is to say that reading Lena's post really made me step back and see that I am where she's planning to go and it's not as easy as you might think. Suddenly I'm trying to rediscover parts of myself that I just let go of and now I want it all back. The question I want to put out there is do you think this is harder or easier the older you get? As I said, I'm knocking on 30's door this year which all things considered is pretty young given my kids ages and so I wonder at times if this is about turning 30 or if I were a decade older I would struggle the same way? Is is possible that because I am young (relatively speaking) that I feel like I deserve more excitement and opportunity to fulfill my dreams? I like to think not. I like to believe that we all deserve the opportunity to live our passions and be our complete selves. Maybe I really haven't given up on this "having it all" idea.

Just Had to Share

Love this new show on Lifetime- State of Mind. It is quite possibly the best and funniest protrayl of therapists. The hard part of work and personal life is all right there. I love love love it. Now 2 or 3 episodes from now I might change my mind but so far it's great. The sessions are like snapshot from my own work and the messy personal life, well we all know that's real. it almost reminds of me of what I love about doing therapy in the first place. check it out.

It also made me think of a professor I had in undergrad who told me once that the best therapists are english majors because really a good writer has to understand the how people relate and tell the story. And the truth is that good therapy is about understanding how people relate and helping them rewrite their story. so maybe writing is the right path... I guess we'll see.

hello out there

Wow... i'm actually going to do this huh? Well let me start by saying thanks to Kevin Alexander. he doesn't know me but I have been debating blogging for a while now and I happened upon his blog (This Writer's Life) and couldn't help myself anymore. I should back up and really introduce myself a little more but first let me say check out his blog- if you want to write, you like writers, or just love love Friday Night Lights you'll love it.

Ok now onto me... I'm a part time (very part time at the moment) marriage and family therapist. Technically I am a resident in mft because VA (where i live) requires many many hours of work before I can claim to be a fully licensed professional. Of course now that I am mere months from the exam that will catapult me into a 5 figure salary (I'm serious here!) I have hit a wall. Suddenly I find myself no longer drawn to the work I have spent the last 8+ years training for. So what do I want to do you might ask.. well isn't it obvious! I want to write. Or I think I want to write. I'm about 95% positive that I want to do this and more importantly that I can do this. My hope is that this blog is going to help me sort my self out professionally and personally.

On the personal front, my life is quite good. Great hubby of 12+ years. He was my high school sweetheart and we married less than 2 months after my highschool graduation! Shocking I know but even though we look back and think "how crazy and stupid!" the truth is we work. I think we work so well in part because of how young we were when we started this crazy ride. We've got 2 cute kiddies (a boy and a girl) and 2 crazy dogs. Not sure how much else I'll say about the family. Part of my writing dilemmas stem from my desire to share some deeply personal life lessons. Not sure that's fair to B (husband) or the kids. I mean it feels unfair that I can't say all the I want in my writing but I don't' think it's fair that their personal lives become public (even in the this small forum) just because I'm having a quarter-life crisis and need to write about it. All in all I can't complain. It's a pretty great life. We fight, we laugh, we cry, we get bored and figure out how to shake it all up again. It's pretty cool. I guess having an easy time in my family life has freed me up to question my entire professional direction.

There's lots more to say. like how we might move totally across country in less than a year or that I have decided to take a "break" from my therapy work or the struggle to get myself working out so that I can rock this cute bikini in my closet by the time we go on vacation in August but I digress.
Do you ever feel like your life is rolling along fine but you stopped being in charge? hmm... i guess something for the next post. Thanks for tuning in.. here's hoping that this is the first step to getting back to me