I can't go to sleep. I'm up all night and even though I know I'll be exhausted and cranky in the morning I continue to stay up and do nothing really. So now that I am blogging I have been going back and reading posts from some of the blogs that I really love. And I came across this posting http://cheekylotus.clubmom.com/cheeky_lotus/2006/09/monday_confessi_1.html
I first saw Lena's writing on www.hotmomsclub.com (BTW they recently published an article by yours truly check it out- click relationships on the left column and go to "talking is overrated") Anyway I really love her stuff and started reading her blog which is also alot of fun.
As I read her posting about the battle between her innner feminist and joy that comes with dedicating yourself to caring for you family I realized that she is at the place I was about 8 years ago. Fighting against my desire to "just stay home" with my babies and cook dinner for my man and generally be a domestic goddess. I too struggled with the voice that said I was too smart, too talented to stay home. As if staying home was not real work or didn't require intelligence (for the record- staying home with my kids was the most fulfilling and most difficult job of my life, still is!). But like Lena, I came to terms with that dichotomy. I realized that for me true feminism comes from having the ability to define my own terms of "having it all" But here I am now with one kid heading to middle school and another half way through elementary and I don't know what to do with myself. I finally have a little more time for me and I am struggling to figure out what to do. It's funny, you think once the kids get to school I'll get back to me but the truth is once you devote yourself to their dreams it's hard to figure out what your dreams are anymore. With the big 3-0 right around the corner I am seriously focused on reclaiming myself. I'm even contemplating a tattoo (more of that in another posting) There's a whole long explanation of what I want and all the "meaning" behind it all but the one thing that I'm drawn to lately is the idea of a bird (think small, delicate, sparrow- not big crazy vulture). I guess the bird speaks to this place I'm trying to get to. Birds nest, they spend all their time in the spring building a home for their little babies and then they spend all this time feeding and caring for them but somehow they also never forget how to fly on their own. For me it's the perfect symbol really- the wings are all about freedom and independence but the nature of the bird is pretty domestic at heart. I guess all of this is to say that reading Lena's post really made me step back and see that I am where she's planning to go and it's not as easy as you might think. Suddenly I'm trying to rediscover parts of myself that I just let go of and now I want it all back. The question I want to put out there is do you think this is harder or easier the older you get? As I said, I'm knocking on 30's door this year which all things considered is pretty young given my kids ages and so I wonder at times if this is about turning 30 or if I were a decade older I would struggle the same way? Is is possible that because I am young (relatively speaking) that I feel like I deserve more excitement and opportunity to fulfill my dreams? I like to think not. I like to believe that we all deserve the opportunity to live our passions and be our complete selves. Maybe I really haven't given up on this "having it all" idea.
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I totally appreciate that you're continuing the search--and maybe since this post is a couple months old, you're in a different place right now. I also really appreciate your take on "having it all" and feeling free to define that however you wish. I also struggled with the decision to stay home and put my career on hold to be with my baby--but I have definitely found peace and even joy in that decision. Even though it feels 10 times more challenging than anything I have ever done. The phrase that keeps popping into my head when I look longingly at the emails about finding a therapist here or there is "a time and a season". There will definitely be a time when I can be more focused on my career and balance both home and work--but right now is not that time for me and I am very pleased with that.
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